October 2024
This month’s ministry theme for the LCMS Northern Illinois District is Church Worker Families/Pastors’ Wives. Many churches celebrate Pastor Appreciation Month in October. Additionally, in the fall of each year, the NID hosts the annual Katie Event, a one-day conference/retreat for pastors’ wives and widows of the District. What better time to focus for a bit on our ministry families!
NIDnews.org was able to interview several pastors’ wives throughout the LCMS Northern Illinois District for this month’s story. Although there are many commonalities among these women, the variety of individual settings served and experiences lived vary greatly, as well as the number of years of service (This particular group of women range from three years as a ministry wife to over 59 years in that role!).
Some of the many ways in which these women have served in their congregations include: leading and/or singing in the choir, assisting with a moms’ group/hosting playgroups, participating in LWML, serving with PTL, leading/teaching Vacation Bible School, teaching Sunday School, serving on the Board of Parish Education, assisting with Altar Guild, serving Lenten, Advent, and funeral meals, chaperoning for confirmation retreats, leading Bible study, hosting a ladies’ brunch, playing the organ, hosting Concordia University students for meals, and the list goes on and on. Each are using their own unique gifts and talents to serve our Lord and His Church!
This group was also asked to share some challenges they each experience in living as a ministry family/pastor’s wife. Some cited the inability to worship “as a family” in a traditional way as difficult at times. Of course, you’re in the same room, at the same service, singing the same songs, and hearing the same scripture readings. However, the opportunity to be able to sit next to their husbands in the pew is an experience that is sometimes missed. Time management was also mentioned as a challenge; striving for and maintaining a somewhat stable, dependable schedule where family life can thrive. One wife commented that just simply “being the pastor’s wife” can, at times, automatically put up a wall for some people, making it difficult to build deeper relationships.
However, each of these women indicated that the blessings of ministry life far outweigh any of those challenges.
One of the biggest blessings for me is our involvement in the PALS (Post-Seminary Applied Learning and Support) program as facilitators for the past nine years. Our own parish has morphed so much in the 14 years we’ve been here, and now, like so many urban churches, we are a congregation of singles. I miss being able to mentor young women/moms, but God has provided the PALS wives for me! – Lori Payton, St. John Lutheran Church, Forest Park, Illinois
One of the greatest blessings we have received because of my husband’s/family’s role in ministry is being so loved by the congregations that we’ve served. – Ruth Otten, Apostles Lutheran Church, Melrose Park, Illinois
Contrary to my initial worries about ministry, the congregation has been one of the best things about ministry. Finding congregation members who are committed to loving the pastor and his family – flaws and all – is absolutely priceless. Another thing that I’ve loved about our current call, especially now that my husband is in team ministry, is having the head pastor and his wife as mentors, neighbors, and friends. It has been such a blessing. – Addie Dubensky, St. Peter Lutheran Church, Schaumburg, Illinois
I am grateful for many blessings in my life. One of which, was my dad, who brought me with him to church at a young age and encouraged my involvement and activity in everything that was available in a small mission church. The church grew, and there were lots more opportunities, an approachable pastor, a “volunteer” Deaconess, some favorite Sunday School teachers, etc. All of this helped to build the foundation for the growth in faith that I have experienced throughout my adult years.
One of the many blessings of my husband’s/family’s role in ministry has been having the opportunity to encourage and support them by providing some of those same kinds of experiences, and more, to other children, including our own, and by extension to our grandchildren. The youth are the future. They need our prayers, our attentions, our financial support, our love. We must persist in doing all that we can to keep them connected and use whatever it takes to help them on their journey of faith. – Pat Prohl, Immanuel Lutheran Church, Downers Grove, Illinois
A pastor’s “day job” is not exactly that, is it? Evening meetings and emergency visits are countered with potentially a bit of daytime flexibility. He serves in his role when and how needed, no matter the time of day or how many hours he may have already put in for the week. As part of a ministry family, flexibility, patience, and understanding are often required. Family plans sometimes have to be adjusted, and interruptions occasionally occur.
Several of these women shared that they encourage their husbands in their roles as pastor, husband, and father in many ways – first, and foremost, through prayer. Others stressed the importance of working as a team and “…being as supportive as I can, offering a listening ear when possible, and when he can’t tell me the specifics due to confidentiality reasons, to be understanding and compassionate to the situation he’s in,” and “I always felt, and still do, that my primary role as a ministry wife was to be sure that my husband was well nourished and cared for, and had a safe and comfortable place to rest and refresh.”
It was also added, “I am an extrovert and need a lot of people and activity going on. My introverted husband is very good with people, encourages having folks over, etc. However, I know that it can drain him. I work hard to be sure that he takes his day off, and that I don’t fill it with too much activity or people, unless it’s what we both want. We both enjoy gardening and other interests that we have developed together over the years which is great. Of course, he cannot tell me things that I should not know, but he will tell me when he is dealing with something hard, so that I can give him extra grace and extra space during that time.
What about the ministry wives themselves? Many work outside of the home, raise children, assist in a multitude of ways in the congregation as listed above, and offer support and care for their husbands serving in their own ministries. Where are they to find rest and refreshment outside of those roles?
The importance of having friendships and connections was discussed. If you have children, other school parents or playgroup families can be a good option for developing friendships. If you work outside of the home, perhaps there are a few coworkers to connect with and spend time together socially outside of work hours.
The topic of friendships in the congregation for a pastors’ wife can sometimes be a hot-button issue. However, it can be navigated well and longstanding friendships with other women can be found and cultivated. Some pastor’s wives seek to develop close relationships with other pastors’ wives, although geography can make it difficult, especially in very rural areas. In some of our NID circuits, groups of pastors’ wives gather together for fellowship on an ongoing basis, others meet for regular Bible study.
This led to a conversation about the importance of an event, such at The Katie, which is held once a year in the LCMS Northern Illinois District. The Katie is a one-day conference/retreat specifically developed for pastors’ wives and widows, in order to offer a time of fellowship and learning. Several of the wives NIDnews.org spoke to have attended The Katie in the past and look forward to this year’s event. One seasoned pastor’s wife will be attending her first Katie Event this year!
Why is The Katie such an important opportunity? There were several comments about this from the wives we spoke to:
Attending The Katie each year is a highlight as a pastor’s wife. It’s a place where I feel rejuvenated and valued in my role. Connecting with friends and meeting new women is also a special blessing the event offers. Our District’s commitment to supporting pastors’ wives is evident in this event, and I am truly grateful. – Jennifer Nesbit, St. Paul Lutheran Church, Elizabeth, Illinois
Lori Payton added, “I’ve attended various pastors’ wives retreats over the years. I have enjoyed the past couple of Katies and am looking forward to the next one. It’s just too short a time! Such events can help spark possible friendships and be a general encouragement. As with PALS, we all share this same vocation of pastor’s wife, and this can hopefully provide a safe place of support. It helps to give perspective that there are others in similar situations. God uses all of this to strengthen our faith and enable us to continue on in this very crucial vocation of pastor’s wife! Plus, I hope we can LAUGH A LOT!”
Pat Prohl shared, “I think it has value. Mutual support and sharing, surrounded by others who may have walked in your moccasins. The importance is in the giving and receiving and the uplifting!”
There are a couple of newbies to The Katie from the group with whom we spoke. Addy Dubensky said, “I have yet to attend a Katie Event, as I had commitments the past two years, but this year it is being held on my birthday at my church, right across the parking lot from my house, so I am overjoyed to be able to participate this year.”
Ruth Otten has been in ministry for a long time, for a year and a half as a parochial school teacher before getting married (and continuing to teach beyond that) and then for an additional 59 years and counting as a pastor’s wife. This year will be her first Katie Event and she’s happy to be able to attend. When asked what benefit she believes such a gathering can provide, she shared, “I would imagine just getting to meet some of the other wives, new wives especially, and offer encouragement. It all works out in the end, and God is with you.”
It’s not too late to register for The Katie! This year’s event will be held at St. Peter Lutheran Church in Schaumburg, Illinois on October 5, 2024. If you are a pastor’s wife or widow, you are encouraged to attend and can find more information and registration details HERE.
The LCMS Northern Illinois District is thankful for all of our ministry families of both commissioned and called workers. Thank you especially to these women who were willing to share a bit about their own experiences with us.
